Dangerous Thoughts {long} « A Girl In The Den
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Dear "Paco",

If you would be kind enough to pay for the plane ticket to her hometown, I will go kick her ass. Until then, FUCK OFF!

For the rest of you, if you would like directions to my "new" blog, email me.

x Beer-and-Nachos

Monday, December 05, 2005
Dangerous Thoughts {long}

My thoughts recently have me scared half to death. A lot of them revolve around two things: a dream I had Saturday night and death.

Let me just say, first of all, if you don't have an open mind, stop reading and go play somewhere else. These are my inner demon thoughts that I've lived with since I was little--and no innocent child under the age of 50 should have to think of them; but I do.

I am a knowledge hungry person. I seek it out. I indulge in it. Books are my best friend. Theoretical Physics was my intended major. Theocracy has repulsed me. I am skeptical of "divine-intervention".

I want to believe God created Earth and all living things, but how? It's not possible from a logic standpoint, though I know religion isn't based on logic. I want to believe in the "big bang theory", but that makes no sense either....how did all those particles come about that created the right gaseous state that started the kaboom that formed the necessary atoms that created what has evolved into what we now know?

I guess the thing is, I can't fathom a nothingness to precede us all. It's this same nothingness I see for death; I just can't imagine it. Afterlife? It doesn't quite seem possible. I want to believe so bad that there is, but what proof do we have? Ninety-nine percent of the mediums I've met and/or seen have been false, and/or scam artists after money. I do still try to believe, though. I'm just finding it hard.

From this I can say it's not death I fear, it's uncertainty I fear. I don't want to dissolve back into nothingness, if in fact that is where I came from. I get a dead-cold feeling when I think about it, about death, about old age, about the future.

I'm scared of this recent movement to get an apartment with C. It's something I've been longing for, but now that it's staring me in the face, I'm getting cold feet. It's another step closer to death, I'm getting older, I'm stepping into the future, and I still have no answers as to what lays beyond.

I had a dream on Saturday night that scared the shit out of me. It's not uncommon for me to have a completely realistic dream and remember it, but usually those are just that--dreams and fantasy. This one wasn't. It involved C and me and a baby. I saw our boy as perfect as can be, and can still see him if I close my eyes. And C too, the first moment he saw us; he'd arrived late, too late to be of any help, but stopped just inside the doorway. He looked uncertain as to how to move on, should he come in, yet there was a silent, fearful pride too. And the baby...so small yet so strong...his wild whisps of blonde nearly white offset by the most beautiful big blue-grey eyes....

It hurts my chest to remember it. Pain of love. He looked so much like C, yet so independant too.

I can still see them both, there, in front of me, on the beach of that lake. Spitting image of perfection in father holding son.

But it was only a dream. A life-like dream. A dream that is haunting me. I don't know if it's haunting me of what never will be or what I deeply desire and want yet cannot reach yet.

But I do know that moving forward scares me and will scare me until I know for certain what lies ahead.

Just as with death, I will be scared until the moment arises--unless I can find knowledge of what is to come. Does that make sense?

It is written in the Bible (don't ask me where, I've lost track of bookmarks and memory verses) that a man seeking life will find death and a man seeking death shall find life. It is not this I live by, it is just something that I remembered while writing this. I seek answers to death, yet I find none. It is the same for life. I am too greedy for knowledge to focus my engergies to one or the other. Which, at this time, is leaving me frustrated and scared.

I have had thoughts similar to all this since I awoke from that dream Sunday morning. It scared me so much because I awoke about four times during the night and each time I fell right back to sleep in the exact same point in the dream I'd left off. I was scared to go back to sleep by about the fifth time--so much so I made myself fall out of bed so I could stagger down the stairs for some water.

The memory of that dream haunted me all day and I had chills. C took me to see Aeon Flux Sunday night. That movie, in the state of mind I was in...not the best mix.

Don't get me wrong, it's a wonderful movie! I loved it from all standpoints. But what I got from that movie is something I'm not sure was on the original agenda of the moviemakers: love survives death and in a way, there is life after death.

I really don't know if I'm saying everything the way I want to say it, or getting it across the way I want to, but it's out now. Maybe somebody will actually pay attention and possibly understand. I tried to tell this to C, get him to understand, but he wasn't listening to a word I was saying. Thought I was caught up in the "love" portion of the movie, the baby boom of my friends/relatives, and holding too tightly to us moving in together.

Posted at 10:16 pm by beer-n-nachos

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